A group of scientists at one of America’s top universities just made an incredible breakthrough that will change the way doctors practice medicine forever. Medical researchers at Harvard University have discovered a way to put a dead patient’s brain in the microwave while they have sex with each other on the floor.
This is amazing. What an extraordinary discovery!
“After an extended study in which we replicated our results numerous times, we can now publicly announce that we have developed a method for doctors to take the brain of a deceased person out of their skull, place that brain in the microwave, and then start microwaving that brain for six hours while the doctors make love to each other right there on the ground,” lead researcher Dr. Jane Brundage said in a statement to the press. “I’m incredibly proud of our team of more than 40 scientists who have spent the past seven years microwaving brains and fucking each other as we strived to find a way to do both of those activities at the same time.”
Brundage said she was also pleased to announce that when all the researchers are making love to each other on the ground, they can look up and see the brain in the microwave, spinning around like a pink, fleshy disco ball. She added that the sex feels fine to the researchers and makes them tired, and that when they open the microwave after six hours, the dead patient’s brain has often burst open and gotten all over the inside of the microwave, which is an unintended yet exciting breakthrough that has secured their team an additional $4.6 million grant from Harvard for continued study.
The study has been extensively peer-reviewed, and scientists from top universities such as Johns Hopkins and Princeton report that they, too, have been able to cook dead people’s brains while having intercourse in numerous positions and with varying numbers of partners. Experts in the field say that such results are an important stepping stone toward future innovations, such as a method for a researcher to hold two dead people’s brains in each hand while using the toilet.
Science is truly awesome! This is all incredibly exciting, and we can’t wait to see where this new discovery leads.